


Your Ex Never Marks the Spot

by UnstableUniverses



Category: Indiana Jones Series, X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Cyberpunk, Alternate Universe - Steampunk, Chivalry, Crossover, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, Cyberpunk, F/M, Romance, Screenplay/Script Format, Steampunk, Technology
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-03
Updated: 2018-06-03
Packaged: 2019-05-17 20:36:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14838758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnstableUniverses/pseuds/UnstableUniverses
Summary: A priceless USB lies deep within the ground. But the darkness is full of secrets that Indiana would rather leave forgotten.Written by Velvet Duke for the Unstable Universes Live Show.





	Your Ex Never Marks the Spot

(Interior)  
Narrator: Indiana Jones knew he should be long dead. Some time ago, MegaCorp X had kidnapped him and Sallah and shot them full of nanotech, giving them immortality. They had to stop it from happening to anyone else. It was the Old American Way.  
He definitely didn’t think he would be on another dig. A former netrunner friend discovered the location of physical media that had code that could shut down the MegaCorp X mainframe.  
Indy watches his faithful old friend work at removing rubble from the cement floor in this abandoned warehouse.

  
Sallah: I’ve found it.

  
Narrator: Kneeling down in the detritus, Indy finds the edges of a panel.

Indy: Pass me your vibroblade.

Narrator:Sallah cheerfully hands it over. MegaCorps were evil but they had some good tools.  
Indy opens the panel and climbs into the ventilation shaft.

(Interior – a ventilation shaft)

Indy brushes mechspider webtech out of the way with a wooden stick he brought for such an occasion. That webtech still held enough charge to electrocute him even though the spiders had abandoned this shaft decades ago.  
Noises echo within the shaft, like the muffled scream of an ally trying to warn him, but he had found his exit.  
Dropping down, he lands in front of a steel door with no handle. Using the vibroblade, he cuts a hole in the door and squeezes through.

(Interior – a room)

Voice: What took you so long, Dr. Jones?

Indy: What the?

Voice: Do you think you’re the only one who knows their way around abandoned structures with surprisingly useful abandoned artefacts?

Indy: Look lady. I don’t know who you are...

Voice: But?

Indy: No, really. I don’t know who you are.

Narrator: Indy shines his light on her face.

Indy: Ophelia!

Narrator: It was Viper, deadly terrorist assassin and former lover.

Viper: I gave you immortality but you never thanked me.

Indy: I didn’t want immortality, I wanted you!

Narrator: Short version: a montage of the painful experiments and eventual Stockholm syndrome Indy feels for Viper, his attachment to her and then his midnight escape from the MegaCorp X facility.

Viper: Instead of living in luxury with me, you choose these hovels.

Indy: Those who cannot dig up the past are condemned to repeat it.

Viper: The nanotech in your blood kept you alive, but also let me find you -- anywhere.

Indy: You lojacked me?

Viper: You’ve been one of MegaCorp X’s secret weapons and didn’t even know it.

Voice: I knew it!

Indy and Viper: What the?

Voice: You think you’re the only one who knows their way around abandoned structures and the people who skulk there?

Indy: Look buddy. I don’t know who you are...

Voice: But?

Indy: No. I’m not doing that bit again.

Narrator: Indy shines his light on the new speaker. It was Wolverine, former X- Men, former Viper lover.

Viper: Logan!. You’re like a bad penny, you always turn up.

Indy: Do pennies still exist?

Logan: Get out of here, bub. This is my fight.

Indy: I’m not going anywhere without the USB.

Logan: You’re gonna get killed chasing after your damn ‘fortune and glory’!

Narrator: Fight music wells up from Indy’s pocket. It was Sallah’s ringtone.

Indy: I should take this call.

Narrator: Viper waves her arms and cybernetically enhanced snakes appeared

Indy: Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?

Sallah: After being Viper’s lover, you’d think he’d be used to snakes by now.

Narrator: Sallah’s voice couldn’t be heard but he was saying what we were all thinking.  
Wolverine claws his way through the advancing serpents while Indy uses the monofilament whip implanted in his thumb. Their combined efforts were working but also destroying the furniture.

Viper: Two can play that game!

Narrator: Viper snickts claws out of her gloves and starts destroying and throwing stuff. She throws something at Indy’s head. It knocks him to the ground. Indy picks it up– the remnants of a jury-rigged Timex-Sinclair 1000 – and throws it at Viper but she lithely moves to the side. It hits Wolverine in the back.

Logan: Three can play that game!

Narrator: Logan picks up and whips the carcass of a slain snake at Viper.  
Viper stumbles and falls against a shelf. The shelf breaks and a crystal ball falls on Viper’s head, knocking her out.  
As she collapses, the shelf spins through the air and knocks an Apple IIc compatible computer keyboard off the far end of the table.  
The keyboard’s sudden momentum pulls the computer and the taut cables force the monitor to follow along.  
As the monitor lands and crashes, a fourth generation Gameboy flies across the room and lands on another shelf.  
The shelf tips and the USB artefact, Indy’s prize, is now revealed.

Indy, Viper and Logan: That’s some Rube-Goldberg level narrative you have going on there.

Sallah: Are you done playing, gentlemen?

Indy: Sallah! Why’d you agree to dig if you knew there was another way in?

Sallah: You have always chosen the difficult path. We have to leave. Explosives are set to destroy this building.

Narrator: Being old fashioned, the three men carried the unconscious Viper out of the building before it collapsed.

(Interior – inside a car)

Sallah: Where is your netrunner friend, Indy?

Indy: If we can find a place to jack in, we can transfer the code from this USB.

Logan: I know a place in Los Angeles.

Narrator: They drive off into the sunset.

(Exterior – beside the sinkhole)

Narrator: Viper wakes up and shakes her head. She watches the car drive away. Pressing the side of her temples, she says

Viper: Terminate clone.

Narrator: The Pit-viper clone crumples to the ground.

(Interior – The Grid)

Viper: Get the agents ready. They are coming.


End file.
